I remember every beating... He said was making me a man
And he believed in teaching with his hands
But the damage he was leaving
Would ultimately fracture me and show the weight of this burden sewn into my features
23 years have passed and I'm still scared of sleeping for the chance I might see him in a dream so I take to over eating
4 in the morning, tv on to drown out this feeling and the screams
And not a day goes by I'm not sweating bullets when I fantasize about the moment I can feed him one
And not a day goes by I don't stop and wonder... Why he beat me so much harder than his real son
And every now and again I push a hot knife to my skin and count to ten just so I can feel some'
Cus it's either feel that or feel numb
I shed a tear for that 8 year old child crying loud
Thinking how a God could allow
This man to cover his mouth until he passes out
Or hold him face down in the shower till he nearly drowns
Bring him back around and repeat this shit for hours
My real sense of loss was when moms wouldn't get involved
It's his house, he's the boss so don't piss him off
I learned that day my God was just a cross
And last bit of my faith had drifted off
I'm still haunted by the noise
When I was forced to watch him whip my dog with an extension cord
Then he would hang him by a noose in the garage, and beat him even more if I ain't finish my chores
Or take me to the yard
Strip me to my drawers
Drag me over broken glass he had smashed against the wall
After using me for target practice laughing through it all
Calling me a little faggot cus I couldn't handle more
But his damaged little boy
Was asking for the rod
Trying to make his daddy proud
Just a chance at showing off
Took it without sound to show daddy that he's hard
Knowing that was only a fraction what I endured
I'm eight years old getting beaten like a dog
He's twelve years old getting beaten Cus he wants!
Kept my sleeves long just incase the teachers saw
Said the bigger kids had beat me to draw the heat off of moms
Pretending I was sleeping whenever I'd hear the car
Praying he would leave me alone until tomorrow
Praying that I wouldn't get dragged into the hall
Choked against the wall cus I forgot to sweep the floor
...And that's why I don't pray no more
Can't look at life the same or feel pain no more
Can't look at night the same
triggered when the light fades to black and I don't feel safe during the day no more
The years are long gone I brought the war home with me
The fears not gone until them 'codones hit me
Just more volume, more pacing, more whiskey
But all I wanna do is sleep...

Chorus:

Do you see me standing here? my god
Do these tear drops mean a thing?
Do my cries for help here go unheard by you? my god
Do you even know my name?
Was I meant to shoulder all this pain alone? my god
Are you even there to see?
Cus It's getting harder to believe in you, my god
So do you believe in me?